Transition Mentor Wendy Cole: An Introduction (Part I)
I knew Wendy when we both worked at the same place several years ago in New Hope, PA. I often wondered where she went and what she was up to. And now I know! She was generous enough to share her past, present and future with us, and I’m delighted to have her as a guest columnist for this six-part series. – Mark/Editor
I was born transgender! It’s not like people like myself never existed before. We’ve always existed in hiding. It’s one of those things of nature that nothing is ever completely black and white. Nature doesn’t necessarily follow societal norms imposed by man. The hetero societal norms and standards, called “socialization”, begin with our parents, through school and into our adult and work life. Before we’re born, the question family wants to know is, do we wrap it in a pink blanket or do we wrap it in a blue blanket? We’re told certain ways of thinking and behaving. This socialization is generally based on your “sex” assigned at birth. Socialization is certain expectations you need to meet to be perceived as male or female. And it is initially based your physical anatomy at birth. Most of the time, doctors get it right. But “gender”, male or female is between your ears not between your legs. And with me, they got it all wrong! I knew most of the things expected of me from early childhood were wrong for me. But I was without any other options having grown up in the fifties and sixties.
I found ways to avoid change and what I NEED to do…
I realized in late 2014 it’s now possible to do something about how I feel. As of 2012 it became possible to live authentically with therapeutic and medical care, that didn’t exist before this century. Until then, I found ways to avoid change and what I NEED to do. It’s so scary and such a significant change. I made excuses, believing I couldn’t be myself. I received this from a listener following the airing of one of my podcast interviews.
“I just heard your interview and really appreciate your story as an older transitioning woman. I will turn 60 in the next few weeks and am considering transitioning and see a lot in our experiences. I’ve kept my female desires hidden and repressed and now am feeling the dysphoria of years of suppression.
I keep telling myself that I was born as a man, married and had a family and made commitments, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep that up. Someday and somehow, this will get me one way or another and have thought of all the things you have.
Thanks again and appreciate you sharing your story.
Hugs and all the best,”
I’m always grateful to hear from listeners. Age is one of many typical excuses all people use to avoid any change and there are many more. But how old do you have to be to not be yourself? Or do what you need or want to do? How old do you have to be before you decide to stop your suffering?
Guilt for all the people I’ve let down by living a lie…
From age ten to twenty-two I tried to deal with how I was born and become who I knew myself to be. At twenty-two, I had a disastrous experience with a psychiatrist. I was miserable! I repressed myself as best I could, living with depression, anxiety, shame, fear, and guilt. Especially the guilt for all the people I’ve let down by living a lie.
I was mentally never a man…
Forty-five years later, I hit a wall, like so many of us do. Transition or Die! So, yes, I totally understand the listener’s comment and have heard so many similar comments. I was mentally never a man! The incongruence between my mind and body was a perpetual conflict. In fact, now in my coaching, I help my clients get past these conflicts and stop making excuses. I help them untangle their perplexing mindset from past abuse, trauma, and difficult life changes, which we all face in different situations. I work with transgender people and women going through significant life changes. So, how did I get to this point and finally become the woman I’ve always been?
Especially around age 10 or so, I just knew I had to tell my mom…
Well, first of all, I was born this way. This is not a choice. I knew at a very, very young age, say around three or four that there was something different about me. I enjoyed playing with the other girls. A lot of my mother’s friends had daughters. I would end up playing with the girls. And it felt perfectly natural, much more so than playing with boys. I didn’t have words to put around all of that. I couldn’t really define it. But as I got older, especially around age ten or so, I just knew I had to tell my parents. I was so hopeful for help especially from my mom!
I tell my mom I’m a girl…first pivotal point in my life…
I used to enjoy dressing in my mother’s clothes that would fit me. Then scramble and take everything off before my mom came home. One day, I decided I’m done. I’m getting dressed. I’m doing my nails. I’m putting on makeup as best I can. I’m waiting for my mom to come home. I’m going to tell her I’m a girl. End of story! I repeated that several times. It didn’t go well for me. This became the first of several pivotal points in my life.
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It is NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Resources I offer:
https://calendly.com/wendycoletm/discovery-conversation
Coaching for Gender
https://wendycolegtm.net/gender-change/
All those unhelpful messages from so many years of social conditioning and repression don’t go away overnight. Learning to manage your thoughts and emotions is all important to your success; it permeates every aspect of your being and journey. With my guidance this can be an exciting experience.
Coaching for Parents of Transgender
https://wendycolegtm.net/parents-of-transgender/
My goal is to help you get comfortable with this significant change in your family and provide guidance, understanding and peace of mind.